With Valentine's Day approaching, this is a wonderful time to assess the strengths and weakness in your relationship. We've all been taught to get regular maintenance checkups on our cars, our homes and even for our health, but many of us don't realize our relationships need regular tune-ups as well.
Successful relationships take not only commitment but practice, patience and time. After your wedding day, your marriage simply can't be put on autopilot and expected to succeed.
Here are six tips to tune up your relationship:
1. Grow together, not apart
This is particularly important for couples who have been married for longer periods of time. It is essential to understand that over time, you will both grow and change. You must accept that your spouse is not going to be exactly the same as she was when you married her years ago.
Conflict and miscommunication commonly arise because we are using the same worn-out tools to work on the engine of our relationship, without realizing we need new tools for our newer model.
For example, let's say you notice your wife is experiencing stress over financial obligations. You may try to console her with gentle, reassuring words as you try to ease her concerns. However, if you find kind words and support don't seem to help, you may need to consider another approach. In the earlier days of your marriage, reassuring words may have eased away her stresses. However, as she's matured, she may need something different to bring her peace of mind. Several studies published from the Marriage Research Institute have found that as women mature, their need for financial security and stability becomes one of the most important factors in their relationships. Now you may need to create an action plan for saving, investing and paying debt to help ease her fears. Many couples find that it is helpful to go over their financial goals and accomplishments on a weekly basis so both the husband and wife can see that progress is being made.
As your emotional needs, hobbies, interest and values evolve, make a commitment to grow and change as a team. Be willing to accept the changes that take place in your spouse as long as you see they are growing in a positive direction. Without change, there can be no growth. Allow your spouse to evolve and commit to growing closer together in the process.
2. Commit to a date night
If your schedule permits, schedule a regular date night.
Some ideas for dates are having a movie night, dining at a new restaurant, getting a couple's massage, going to a play, visiting the museum or art gallery or even doing something that will bring out the kid in you like laser quest or visiting an arcade.
If you're looking to cut back on cost, consider having a picnic, going to a tranquil pond to feed ducks or meeting each other at the bookstore to have coffee, talk and read. Another cost-effective date idea is to pack lunches for an afternoon hiking trip and have lunch by a calming stream.
If you want to stay indoors, cook dinner with a cultural theme, play music from that country and check out a book or DVD from the library to learn about that country. Or have a movie and game night. Rent your favorite movies, make great snacks and play a few board games. Ask a friend or sitter to keep the children for the night so you can have the house to yourselves.
If you need to cut costs on baby-sitting, identify another family in your church or neighborhood who needs help with their children and take turns sitting for free. You save money, your children have a play date with friends and you still get your much deserved free time. Remember, the happier and more fulfilled you are as a couple, the better parents you will be.
3. Practice forgiveness
Although many of us saw fairy tale or "Leave It to Beaver" images of marriage on television when we were growing up, it is essential we understand some challenges come in every marriage. As the years go by, it will be difficult to stay in love if you walk in unforgiveness and hold your spouse hostage in his or her past.
Realize there is no perfect person, no perfect relationship and that you also have own your own set of imperfections. There is a scripture in the Bible in the book of Philippians that says, "Forgetting those things that are behind me and reaching forward to the things that are before me, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God." This basically means that we must all make a decision to forget about negative memories and experiences that have occurred in our lives. It is vitally important to move forward from the past so you can enjoy your present and look forward to your future. After all, you can't fulfill your future if you're stuck in your past.
To walk in forgiveness in your relationship, avoid bringing up mistakes your spouse has made in previous years. When talking about forgiveness, it is equally important to forgive yourself of mistakes you have made. Don't be too hard on yourself and remember to allow yourself room for possible mistakes in the future. Just be confident that every step you take forward is a step toward progress and success.
4. Revitalize romance
Another idea to revitalize the romance in your relationship is to read a book about marriage together each month. You can set aside just a few minutes to read aloud to each other after dinner or just before bedtime.
Trying to remember some of the reasons you first fell in love? Consider making a gratitude list of things you appreciate about each other. Make a point to say one item on your list every day for a week. Before you depart for work, always say something that will bring confidence, strength and security to your spouse.
5. Practice non-confrontational communication
When addressing an issue with your spouse, avoid phrases like, "you always do this" or "you never do that." Absolute words such as "always" and "never" are usually offensive to the person listening and typically somewhat inaccurate.
For example, let's say you'd like your husband to spend more time with you and your children. Instead of saying, "You always put work ahead of your time with us." It would be more effective to say, "Honey, when you come in from the office and continue working from home until we've all gone to sleep, it makes me feel as though you don't have time for us and don't miss us."
For example, let's say you'd like your husband to spend more time with you and your children. Instead of saying, "You always put work ahead of your time with us." It would be more effective to say, "Honey, when you come in from the office and continue working from home until we've all gone to sleep, it makes me feel as though you don't have time for us and don't miss us."
Every issue doesn't have to be addressed immediately. Scheduling a peaceful time to talk will allow you to calmly, respectfully and rationally address any concerns that you have. You can also start your statements with a compliment.
6. Establish your personal relationship with God
Of all six points, this is by far the most important. Take time everyday to pray before you begin talking about your schedules and responsibilities or before you start your routine. Even if you just take 15 minutes of quiet time to pray, read or listen to a teaching or music CD that will jumpstart your faith for the day. It will be well worth your time.
Think of taking time to pray as refilling your cup each day. A glass of water will eventually evaporate over time. As you allow God's word to pour into your spirit, you will feel refreshed, rejuvenated and restored.
Understand that it is impossible to give something you don't have. So allow God to restore love, peace, joy, patience and strength to your spirit in your prayer time and you will be able to give freely throughout your day.
The more whole and complete you become as an individual, the more satisfied you will be in your relationship. Don't look to your spouse to bring fulfillment that we were designed to receive from God in prayer. Learn to become steady in your emotions, skillful with your words and at peace in your spirit and your relationship will grow in ways that you never imagined.
By using these simple relationship tune-up tips you can rekindle your love for each other and make everyday Valentine's.
And as always, make today the best day of your life.
Junice Rockman of Murfreesboro writes about motivational and spiritual issues. Follow her column every other Friday in The Daily News Journal.
1 comments:
That article was tight
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