Learn to Let Go of Past Hurts - Part I & II

Well, it's something that we've all experienced at one time or another, some of us more than others. Hurt, disappointment, rejection, loss and pain. In fact, some of us have experienced such enormous pain that we've felt as though we were paralyzed and defined by a major painful experience.

However, I want you to know that you can heal! You can learn to live again, to love again and to move forward in your life with joy.

Here are a few signs that you may need to let go of hurt in your life along with practical steps to move forward:

1. Frequently Referring To Or Thinking About Painful Experiences

Okay, let's face it, our minds are like little tape records, forever recording all of the good and bad that happens around us. Think about it, isn't it amazing how hearing a certain song, smelling a particular fragrance or tasting a specific food can take our minds instantly back to a time in our lives history. Haven't you ever been out with friends, when someone tasted a particular dessert and exclaimed, "This reminds me of something we used to eat after dinner growing up !" We can instantaneously rewind or fast forward to memories in our lives and we even have the ability to put those reflections on replay!

However there is good news! We do own the remote control to the automatic "DVD Player" of our memories! Remember, the brain is a muscle and with practice, any muscle in our bodies will grow stronger.

That's just the way we were created. This is why two people who grew up in the same home can both have the same negative set of circumstances, yet one will triumph over them and the other, will become completely defeated by them. It is the power of our will and the power of our minds that we must learn to harness in order to let go of hurt and live a life of victory!

There is a scripture in the Bible in Proverbs 23:7 that simply states, “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” As we think, so we are.

The life that we lead is determined overtime by our prevailing thoughts and words. Not what others think, not what we should think, but what we actually think about ourselves. That is what we become.

If you find that you go throughout your day and frequently recall hurtful times in your life, don't feel badly, this is very common. But you should know that you don't have to continue replaying these hurts in your mind.

Just think about it, every time you recall negative experiences, you are re-living the stress and emotional discomfort. In fact, if you're not careful, those emotions become so real and powerful that you will begin to feel like it's happening all over again.

The next time you begin to replay negative memories in your mind, say out loud, "I make a decision to move forward in my life. I forgive those that have hurt me in the past and this is a new day. I choose to focus on and experience peace, joy, hope and healing in my heart and my mind. Today this will be the best day of my life!"

Watch and see, the more you practice this, the easier it will be to let go of hurts from your past and focus on the good that is presently around you.

As you are renewing your mind and your positive memories, you may want to keep a calendar or journal for one month to chart your progress. Make a goal to have an entire day free from sadness and reflection of past hurts. Once you've accomplished that, work on 2 full days, then one full week!

You can do it! Just visualize yourself succeeding in overcoming hurt. Visualize yourself becoming emotionally consistent and free. Replace that those negative memories with a happy times that brought you joy. Use the gift of memory for good, not to replay hurt and pain.

Be patient with yourself in this process and remember it is a process. Although moving forward from hurt may not happen overnight, it is well worth the journey. As you let go of painful memories, your joy and optimism will be renewed.

2. Putting Up Walls of Distance To Avoid Future Pain

If you notice you are beginning to distance yourself from friends and family members, reluctant to open your feelings to those closest to you or if you stop socializing all together, chances are you have hurt in your life that you need to let go of. Somewhere in our natural instincts, we automatically resort to "fight or flight" when we feel as though we are being threatened.

In other words, we feel the need to either retaliate to defend ourselves or quickly flee to protect ourselves from being hurt. The "fight or flight" response theory was first introduced by Walter Cannon in 1915. Cannon was a physiologist studying animals and other living organism’s responses to threats to the security in their environment. In later years, this theory became widely accepted by psychologist who found the same basic responses when studying human behaviors.

So be honest with yourself and ask, "Am I starting to distance myself from others to protect my own feelings?" If you find that you are beginning to put up walls of distance in your relationships, first identify what you are afraid of. Next think about the wonderful friendships, activities and memories you are missing out on because of fear of being hurt or rejected. Finally, recognize that you need to set realistic expectations for those in your life. Avoid expecting those around you to "be perfect" and do everything the way that you see fit. Realize that God made us all unique and diverse for a reason. If we were all the same, if everyone was just like you, what fun would life be?

Begin to practice thinking the very best of yourself and those around you. Make a decision to believe that people think good of you and want the very best for you. Avoid being suspicious and distrustful of others because you will begin to attract whatever you believe.

Ask yourself what can I learn from my relationships with others? How can I become more patient, more tolerant, more forgiving, more accepting of others? Allow those around you to bring out your best qualities. Every relationship should be a learning experience that can only make you stronger.

Allow people to make mistakes and know that this shouldn't diminish their value in your life. If a friend or relative has disappointed you, let it go. Accept and love them as they are. We must all practice the art of "letting go". Remember if we are too busy holding on to hurts, we don't allow room in our hearts for all of the good that God has in store for us in our future.

Look for part II and the conclusion of "Learn to Let Go of Past Hurts" in my next Blog to find out the other 3 signs that you may need to let go of hurt. We’ll explore more practical steps to help in moving forward and discuss the effects of holding grudges, overcoming frequent mood swings and other related topics.

Please make comments on this article and subscribe to my blog.

And as always, make a decision to make today the best day of your life!

Learn to Let Go of Past Hurts – Part II

It is with great anticipation that I write the two part conclusion of the article, "Learn to Let Go of Past Hurts"! In the part 1 we discussed 2 ways that you can recognize the need to let go of hurt in your life. The first was if you find yourself frequently referring to or thinking about painful experiences. The 2nd identifying factor was putting up "walls" of distance in your relationships to avoid future pain. Practical solutions were provided to help change these areas. I also discussed specific exercises you can do to improve your emotions and heal.

There are 2 more items that need to be explored as we bring this topic to a close.

1. You Can Only Heal What You Are Willing To Acknowledge

In order to begin the healing process, we must be willing to acknowledge areas in our lives where there are seeds of bitterness, envy, depression and pain. It is simply impossible to bring light to darkness until the areas of darkness are exposed. No matter how painful it may seem, remember, you are not helping yourself by denying that hurt exist in your heart. Some find it helpful to sit down and write the specific areas of pain they are experiencing in a journal. When doing this, remember to think about what the root causes of that pain are. For example, if a person has low self esteem and thinks negative thoughts about his or her current life, future and self image.

A good exercise would be writing these feelings in a journal and then exploring what first caused these negative thinking patterns. As you are writing, you may identify that a parent frequently criticized you growing up and that you may have lived in a verbally or physically abusive home. On the other hand, another individual might say, I had a pretty good childhood, but I am still frequently depressed and have a negative outlook on life.

The root cause for this could be the fact you didn't receive any positive verbal feedback growing up. Although you may not have been criticized, the void of affirmation may have caused you to wonder your worth. Often, if children are not affirmed, they draw their own conclusions and feel as though they must have been lacking the right characteristics to receive compliments from their parents.

As you embark upon this journey of emotional healing, acknowledge the root causes of your pain, pray for strength and courage to become totally healed and be willing to share your story with others. As you share your story, you will find peace and fulfillment in seeing others helped out of the same situations that you once were challenged with. Acknowledge, explore and heal!

2. Upgrade Your Lifestyle – Food Affects Your Mood

We live in the age of “upgrades”. We upgrade our cars, our homes, our jewelry, even our appearance through cosmetic procedures such as liposuction, botox and many others. So how about upgrading the quality of our lives! A recent report on the CBS morning program, The Early Show found that certain foods can actually leave you feeling fatigued and depressed, while other’s jumpstart your energy and optimism.

If you find that you experience frequent mood swings, once you have started the journey of emotional and spiritual healing, bring healing physically by changing your diet and exercise routine! Samantha Heller, a dietician and clinical nutritionist at New York University Medical Center, states that research proves that food has a definite impact on your mood. “Bodies are like chemistry sets, she says.

Everything you put in your body has a chemical effect, which is why food can affect your mood. It gets broken down into elements that can raise your blood sugar or drop it rapidly. Eating a piece of cake can literally make you sad, while eating a carrot can have exactly the opposite effect and make you happy.” Below you will find a list of mood supporters as well as foods you should avoid:

Mood Supporters
Vegetables
Fruit
Fish
Nuts
Beans
Non-fat dairy products
Egg whites
Whole grains

Bad Foods
Caffeine

Alcohol
Sugar
White flour
Diet Drinks/Foods that contain the artificial sweetener, aspartame

Also consider incorporating some physical activity into your weekly routine. Many people find that walking regularly increases their optimism and self confidence. Find a nice trail to hike or just take a 30 min. stroll through your neighborhood. The results will be invaluable to your quality of life.

Most importantly, of all of the tips and exercises that we reviewed to learn to let go of past hurts, remember that no matter what you’ve experienced in life, no matter how badly you’ve hurt, there is hope and there is healing available! You can change your emotional future.

Thank you for reading. As always, make a decision to make today, the best day of your life!

Six Ways To Give Your Relationship a Tune-Up

With Valentine's Day approaching, this is a wonderful time to assess the strengths and weakness in your relationship. We've all been taught to get regular maintenance checkups on our cars, our homes and even for our health, but many of us don't realize our relationships need regular tune-ups as well.

Successful relationships take not only commitment but practice, patience and time. After your wedding day, your marriage simply can't be put on autopilot and expected to succeed.

Here are six tips to tune up your relationship:

1. Grow together, not apart

This is particularly important for couples who have been married for longer periods of time. It is essential to understand that over time, you will both grow and change. You must accept that your spouse is not going to be exactly the same as she was when you married her years ago.

Conflict and miscommunication commonly arise because we are using the same worn-out tools to work on the engine of our relationship, without realizing we need new tools for our newer model.

For example, let's say you notice your wife is experiencing stress over financial obligations. You may try to console her with gentle, reassuring words as you try to ease her concerns. However, if you find kind words and support don't seem to help, you may need to consider another approach. In the earlier days of your marriage, reassuring words may have eased away her stresses. However, as she's matured, she may need something different to bring her peace of mind. Several studies published from the Marriage Research Institute have found that as women mature, their need for financial security and stability becomes one of the most important factors in their relationships. Now you may need to create an action plan for saving, investing and paying debt to help ease her fears. Many couples find that it is helpful to go over their financial goals and accomplishments on a weekly basis so both the husband and wife can see that progress is being made.

As your emotional needs, hobbies, interest and values evolve, make a commitment to grow and change as a team. Be willing to accept the changes that take place in your spouse as long as you see they are growing in a positive direction. Without change, there can be no growth. Allow your spouse to evolve and commit to growing closer together in the process.

2. Commit to a date night

If your schedule permits, schedule a regular date night.

Some ideas for dates are having a movie night, dining at a new restaurant, getting a couple's massage, going to a play, visiting the museum or art gallery or even doing something that will bring out the kid in you like laser quest or visiting an arcade.

If you're looking to cut back on cost, consider having a picnic, going to a tranquil pond to feed ducks or meeting each other at the bookstore to have coffee, talk and read. Another cost-effective date idea is to pack lunches for an afternoon hiking trip and have lunch by a calming stream.

If you want to stay indoors, cook dinner with a cultural theme, play music from that country and check out a book or DVD from the library to learn about that country. Or have a movie and game night. Rent your favorite movies, make great snacks and play a few board games. Ask a friend or sitter to keep the children for the night so you can have the house to yourselves.

If you need to cut costs on baby-sitting, identify another family in your church or neighborhood who needs help with their children and take turns sitting for free. You save money, your children have a play date with friends and you still get your much deserved free time. Remember, the happier and more fulfilled you are as a couple, the better parents you will be.

3. Practice forgiveness

Although many of us saw fairy tale or "Leave It to Beaver" images of marriage on television when we were growing up, it is essential we understand some challenges come in every marriage. As the years go by, it will be difficult to stay in love if you walk in unforgiveness and hold your spouse hostage in his or her past.

Realize there is no perfect person, no perfect relationship and that you also have own your own set of imperfections. There is a scripture in the Bible in the book of Philippians that says, "Forgetting those things that are behind me and reaching forward to the things that are before me, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God." This basically means that we must all make a decision to forget about negative memories and experiences that have occurred in our lives. It is vitally important to move forward from the past so you can enjoy your present and look forward to your future. After all, you can't fulfill your future if you're stuck in your past.

To walk in forgiveness in your relationship, avoid bringing up mistakes your spouse has made in previous years. When talking about forgiveness, it is equally important to forgive yourself of mistakes you have made. Don't be too hard on yourself and remember to allow yourself room for possible mistakes in the future. Just be confident that every step you take forward is a step toward progress and success.

4. Revitalize romance

Establish boundaries in your home as "love zones." For example, my husband and I have a rulethat we do not bring any bills or business paperwork into our bedroom. In fact, we don't even discuss finances or work in our bedroom. We've also added simple touches — candles, décor that has warm colors (burgundy, brown, gold) and soft lighting — which add a calming effect.

Another idea to revitalize the romance in your relationship is to read a book about marriage together each month. You can set aside just a few minutes to read aloud to each other after dinner or just before bedtime.

Trying to remember some of the reasons you first fell in love? Consider making a gratitude list of things you appreciate about each other. Make a point to say one item on your list every day for a week. Before you depart for work, always say something that will bring confidence, strength and security to your spouse.

5. Practice non-confrontational communication

When addressing an issue with your spouse, avoid phrases like, "you always do this" or "you never do that." Absolute words such as "always" and "never" are usually offensive to the person listening and typically somewhat inaccurate.

For example, let's say you'd like your husband to spend more time with you and your children. Instead of saying, "You always put work ahead of your time with us." It would be more effective to say, "Honey, when you come in from the office and continue working from home until we've all gone to sleep, it makes me feel as though you don't have time for us and don't miss us."

For example, let's say you'd like your husband to spend more time with you and your children. Instead of saying, "You always put work ahead of your time with us." It would be more effective to say, "Honey, when you come in from the office and continue working from home until we've all gone to sleep, it makes me feel as though you don't have time for us and don't miss us."

Every issue doesn't have to be addressed immediately. Scheduling a peaceful time to talk will allow you to calmly, respectfully and rationally address any concerns that you have. You can also start your statements with a compliment.

6. Establish your personal relationship with God

Of all six points, this is by far the most important. Take time everyday to pray before you begin talking about your schedules and responsibilities or before you start your routine. Even if you just take 15 minutes of quiet time to pray, read or listen to a teaching or music CD that will jumpstart your faith for the day. It will be well worth your time.

Think of taking time to pray as refilling your cup each day. A glass of water will eventually evaporate over time. As you allow God's word to pour into your spirit, you will feel refreshed, rejuvenated and restored.

Understand that it is impossible to give something you don't have. So allow God to restore love, peace, joy, patience and strength to your spirit in your prayer time and you will be able to give freely throughout your day.

The more whole and complete you become as an individual, the more satisfied you will be in your relationship. Don't look to your spouse to bring fulfillment that we were designed to receive from God in prayer. Learn to become steady in your emotions, skillful with your words and at peace in your spirit and your relationship will grow in ways that you never imagined.

By using these simple relationship tune-up tips you can rekindle your love for each other and make everyday Valentine's.

And as always, make today the best day of your life.

Junice Rockman of Murfreesboro writes about motivational and spiritual issues. Follow her column every other Friday in The Daily News Journal.